The Memoirs of Augustus Waters
by TheHalfBloodPrincess93
Summary: The journal entries of Augustus Waters. Written in Gus's POV. *SPOILERS* Complete! :')
1. Journal Entry 1

**IMPORTANT A/N: This series will be written as Journal Entries and throughout, you may see some things that you may have already seen/heard from the book/movie. This is because its written as if this is the very Journal in which Augustus wrote Hazel's eulogy. And so, to explain; when i imagine Gus writing the eulogy, i imagine him going through everything he ever wrote in his journal to help him find the perfect way to say how he feels. Also, some journal entries will be shorter than others, this is because, i don't know if im the only one but, when i write in my journal, some entries are a lot shorter than others simply because i don't know what else to say. But anyway, i hope you enjoy what i have in store! I've been working on this for months and i'm still not completely finished! I will try my very best to post one journal entry everyday. Enjoy!**

_**Journal Entry #1**_

_So, Doctor Cameron suggested that I should start writing journal entries every now and then. Apparently after all the trauma I've suffered, he thinks I need to vent some stuff in a more personal way than talking to others. I don't understand why. Writing in this old thing isn't going to bring Caroline or my leg back. But, I think I lost Caroline long before she died, and I guess losing my leg is way better than losing my life. I'm trying to deal with stuff, and I think I'm almost there. I've just gotta stop being so angry all the time. Mom and Dad keep putting up those stupid encouragements because they think I'm "depressed". I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Yesterday; I was playing Counterinsurgence with Isaac and I didn't sacrifice myself for the kids! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? I should be grateful. I'M ALIVE! See? I'm even angry __because__ I'm angry! Caroline's dead, Isaac's doctor told him two days ago that he's going to be blind and __I'm__ angry. My parents look at me like I'm a stranger and, I know he'd never say it but, Isaac can't stand to be around me. I just wanna be myself again. _

_Isaac suggested that I go to this Support Group that he goes to, he thinks it might help. I was really considering it until he told me that the guy who runs it is a middle-aged man, living in his parents basement who refers to the place as 'The Literal Heart of Jesus'. I'm not against religion or anything but, seriously? And I don't think it'd help my anger problem. How can I be angry when there's poor kids in this Support Group who are still living with cancer? I got a lucky escape from oblivion but some of these kids cant just give up a limb and survive. I'm such an ass. Its almost been a year now since I got the "all clear" and I still haven't done anything spectacular with my life, like, you'd think having cancer and then not having cancer would make me wanna go out into the world and make sure I leave my mark. Make sure that I'm remembered when oblivion does come eventually. But, I think the Support Group maybe my only chance to, at least, try and get back to being myself. I know that'd make Isaac and my parents happy, and I know that Caroline (the old Caroline) would be pretty pissed if she's watching me from wherever she is and she's sees me being the biggest douche in the universe. You know what? I'm going to that Support Group and starting tomorrow; my old self is gonna make a reappearance and he's gonna stick around for good! Wish me luck my leathery note-book friend._

_A.W_


	2. Journal Entry 2

_**Journal Entry #2**_

_I'm feeling pretty good. This weeks been, well, great to be honest. I've even started seeing those encouragements that my parents put up in a different light. I still think they're a little stupid, but they help and that's why my parents put them up in the first place. I feel less angry with every day that passes. If only I had figured out months ago how easy it is to get back to normal. Something still doesn't feel quite right and I cant put my finger on what it is but I'll get there in time. Tomorrow; I'm heading to Support Group with Isaac. I feel confident, like I'm ready to take on anything, and I'm just happy to be there to support Isaac- his operations coming up quick and, he hasn't said it but, he's scared. But he has his family and Monica and me to get him through this so he's gonna be just fine. Well, he's gonna be blind which is gonna suck but he'll be okay. I'm back to my old self where Counterinsurgence is concerned too– innocent children may have lost their lives but I tried my best to save them!_

_I decided that maybe having this journal to vent in is a good thing. I can be myself around my loved ones, the Augustus they all know and love, and if there's something bothering me I can write it in here (or I can stab it with my pen, that might help because I can pretend I'm Harry Potter). I had to get a new pack of cigarettes yesterday because I left my pack at Isaac's house (his mom found them and completely freaked out, thus confiscating my pack). I cant help but find it funny. In the time that I've known Isaac and I've not smoked, I've left a pack at his place a grand total of eight times and __every_ _time__his moms found them and assumed they're Isaac's. Its rather hilarious. Isaac struggles to see the funny side of it. "Stop getting me into trouble with your __**damn **__metaphor!". I don't know why he complains. His mom figures it out on her own usually 5 minutes later and apologizes. But, anyway, I know its only been just over a week but I really am starting to feel better. I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up._

_A.W_


	3. Journal Entry 3

_**Journal Entry #3**_

_So I realize that I only wrote some stuff in here yesterday but wow. So I went to the Support Group. Turns out 'The Literal Heart of Jesus' is in the cellar of a church. Anyway, I talked to some people, grabbed some lemonade and sat down next to Isaac in this circle of chairs when all of a sudden, this girl walked down the stairs and grabbed a cookie and some lemonade. I couldn't help stare at her – she looked a lot like Caroline. And not that Caroline wasn't beautiful but, this girl is beautiful in such a different way. She reminds me of a millennial Natalie Portman (in her V for Vendetta days). And I told her that, of course after she spectacularly shot me down in the Support Group. Patrick (the dude who lives in his parents basement) wanted me to introduce myself and then he asked me about my fears, so true to myself, I was honest and spoke about my fear of oblivion. As soon as I had finished talking and Patrick had asked if anyone wanted to share something following what I had said, her hand shot up in the air, and, by the look on Patrick's face, I guessed this was an unusual thing for her to do. She gave this amazingly powerful speech about how we're all gonna die some day and how even the likes of Aristotle and Cleopatra wont be remembered one day (let alone me to quote her). I cant lie, it was such a huge turn on. Her names Hazel Grace Lancaster. I got talking to her after Support Group was over, well I say "got talking to her" like it was random – I purposely walked up to her and started talking. I just had to. Support Group was pretty terrible (which I voiced to Isaac (I seriously don't understand why he goes himself!)), but her presence kind of made up for it. But then we got outside and she totally flipped out at me when I took a cigarette out of my pack and put it between my teeth. Like the thing with Isaac's mom; I had to fight the urge to laugh. But after I explained the metaphor of it all she seemed okay. _

_I brought her back here (which I realize sounds a little weird considering I'd only just met her but she told me she'd never seen V for Vendetta!). There's just something about this girl. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at the age of 13 and now she has tumors in her lungs and she has to walk around with this oxygen tank all the time. She has some serious strength. She got a little out of breath when she made it downstairs into my room and I felt her hands, they were so cold. Like, they were literally made of ice or something. She's also a __college__girl! I couldn't help but continuously flirt with her, she brought it out in me. I mean, I've flirted with girls in the past, but not like this. But she told me that she likes to read and that her favourite book is An Imperial Affliction, so I told her I'd read it, if, in exchange, she would read The Price of Dawn. She says there isn't any zombies or stormtroopers in this book so I don't know how I'm gonna take it but, hey, if she likes it, maybe I will too. _

_I just got back from taking her home (well, she drove the car. I guess she's not a fan of my driving), and when she pulled up outside her house, I had this moment where I just stared at her and I kept thinking to myself "Should I kiss her? I should probably kiss her. But we just met. And what if she doesn't want me to kiss her?". So, I didn't kiss her. But I asked her if I could see her again tomorrow, I thought she was blowing me off when she, pretty much, said no, but then she suggested calling me after she'd finished The Price of Dawn. She guessed that I had written my number in the book. I haven't felt this way since I first met Caroline. To be honest? I know we met today and I only got to spend a few hours with her but, I think I'm falling pretty hard. Its kind of nice._

_A.W_


	4. Journal Entry 4

_**Journal Entry #4**_

_So I haven't heard from Hazel Grace. I know she said she'd call me when she finished The Price of Dawn (and its only been, like, half a day?) but I cant shake the feeling that maybe she just said that so I'd stop pestering her. The urge I have to just drive to her house and knock on her door is unbelievable, but I'm just gonna wait. She'll call. I've pretty much just lost myself in reading An Imperial Affliction since she told me about it. To say it has no stormtroopers, zombies or sacrifice, its pretty good. Its about this girl called Anna and she's got this rare blood cancer, her moms an obsessed gardener with one eye who's in love with this Dutch tulip guy. At first, I thought it was going to be a cancer book, but the beauty of it is that its not. Not really. I'm really into it (which is weird, because of its lack of zombies). I haven't finished it yet, but I'm close. I can't wait for the conclusion. I'm kind of embarrassed that I gave her The Price of Dawn, this book is __so__much better! So that's pretty much all I've been doing, apart from playing Counterinsurgence with Isaac. He keeps asking about Hazel Grace but I'm not gonna jinx anything, besides, it sounds like he's having some problems with Monica. He told me that she's been acting really weird lately; sending one kiss instead of the usual three in her texts, constantly bringing up his operation, only saying 'always' if he says it first. I haven't said it to him but, I think she maybe rethinking their relationship. I've only met Monica a few times but she's pretty easy to read. I don't think she's taking Isaac's upcoming blindness so well – which is possibly the most selfish thing I have ever come across. I hope for Isaac's sake that I'm wrong, he really likes her and the dude deserves to be happy. _

_So other than reading, playing video games and school, I've been a pretty boring human being. I really hope Hazel Grace calls soon. I really need to stop obsessing over this. I'm starting to creep __myself __out!_

_A.W_


	5. Journal Entry 5

_**Journal Entry #5**_

_SHE CALLED! Well, she texted first. She thinks The Price of Dawn, and I quote, has "Too many bodies. Not enough adjectives". She asked me how I was doing with AIA but I reminded her that she promised to CALL when she had finished the book. So, she called and asked what I thought of An Imperial Affliction but I refused to give any kind of review until I finish the book (but I did try real hard to get some spoilers on the Dutch tulip guy). She must have liked The Price of Dawn though, seeing as she's already started reading Requiem for Mayhem. I dared to ask her when I can see her again and she says that I cant see her until I've finished reading AIA, so I'm going to make this journal entry short and sweet and get some reading done!_

_A.W_


	6. Journal Entry 6

_**Journal Entry #6**_

_Oh. My. God. AIA is a very __evil __book and I'm pretty sure that its writer, Peter Van Houten, is Satan himself! It finished right in the middle of a sentence. Yes, a SENTENCE! I get that Anna died and that's why the whole thing ended in the middle of a sentence (which is __very __clever!) but so much was left unanswered! Does Anna's mom marry the Dutch tulip guy? Is he a con man? What becomes of Sisyphus the hamster? Its infuriating! I texted Hazel Grace as soon as I had finished this demon book and asked her to call me when she could (I didn't want to seem too eager). Soon after that, Isaac came over and I was unfortunately proven right; Monica dumped him. What. A. Bitch. She told him she couldn't handle him going blind! I had to fight my own anger so I could be there for Isaac, he was really torn up. So we played Counterinsurgence for a couple of hours until Hazel Grace called. It was hard to hear her as Isaac wailed behind me, so I decided that maybe Hazel Grace could come over and help him out, in a way that a guy maybe cant. She came over and Isaac was pretty calm when she first got here but after telling her what had happened, he started crying again. The poor guy. Then I had a sudden thought; I know that when I'm angry or sad, hitting things helps (__things__. Not people). I let Isaac break all of my basketball trophies, that way it was like killing two birds with one stone; Isaac could let go of all that anger he was feeling and I could finally tell my dad that I sort of hate basketball (which he took surprisingly well). I also took the opportunity to talk to Hazel Grace about AIA. She told me she'd written to this Peter Van Houten guy to find out about what happened after the book had ended but he had never written back to her. She says that he moved to Amsterdam. I think I may have to look this mysterious man up online. Hazel Grace says he's never been interviewed and doesn't seem to be online, but surely there's something! I have to know what happened! I think Hazel Grace would appreciate some answers too, which gives me much more of a reason to investigate!_

_A.W_


	7. Journal Entry 7

_**Journal Entry #7**_

_I've been searching, what feels like, the entire internet for a week now for anything to do with getting in touch with Peter Van Houten and yesterday, I finally found something. I discovered that he has an assistant called Lidewij Vliegenthart, so naturally, I emailed her. I didn't think I would get a reply so soon, but this afternoon (after only emailing __four_ _hours __before!), I checked my emails and sure enough, there was a reply from Peter Van Houten himself! Without even reading it, I called Hazel Grace. I decided that I wasn't gonna tell her right away, just to surprise her. I called but there was no answer so I figured she was busy and decided to read through the email (in case there were any traces of possible disappointment) until she called me. I played it out a little; talking about AIA and debating over it until I finally read her the email. The joy in her voice sent my heart racing. I was smiling like an idiot but I played it cool whilst I spoke to her. She was so happy, and I was so happy that I was kind of the reason behind her happiness. Like Isaac, this girl deserves to be happy. I gave her his email address and left her to write her own reply to Van Houten. She called me back a couple of hours later and we stayed up late talking about AIA and she read me this poem by Emily Dickinson (she has such a beautiful reading voice. I could listen to her read all night). Then I started telling her about the poem in the beginning of The Blood Approves and got kind of personal when I asked her when the last time she had a good kiss was. As soon as I said it, I wish I hadn't. I didn't want her to think I was coming on too strong. I really respect this girl. She paused and for a moment I thought I had maybe gone too far until she finally spoke again. Then we got into talking about Caroline when she asked me about __my __last good kiss. She was sympathetic, but I don't want her to be. I didn't tell her about Caroline for her sympathy, I told her because I wanted to. I don't want to keep anything from Hazel Grace, if she likes me now (and god, I hope she does!), I want her to continue liking me knowing absolutely everything there is to know. But now for a little bit of irony; swearing that I'd __never __have a single word say a thousand more with someone special after witnessing Isaac and Monica exchange 'alway's' for months, I now find myself in that very place with Hazel Grace (only, not so cheesy). Okay is our Always, and I happen to think that its beautiful. _

_So, its one in the morning and Hazel Grace is now asleep I assume and here I am, still smiling like an idiot. Thinking about that undeniable tone of joy in her voice as I read out Peter Van Houten's email, and hearing her say Okay over and over again in my head. But I really hope this Van Houten guy gives her the answers she's been looking for. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to know what happened to the other characters too._

_A.W_


	8. Journal Entry 8

_**Journal Entry #8**_

_Isaac is officially NEC! I'm so happy for him. I mean, not the blind part, because that sucks, but I'm glad that he doesn't have cancer anymore. I texted Hazel Grace and let her know that his surgery went well. He's just sleeping right now so I thought I'd take the time to write another journal entry whilst I wait for his mom to come back from picking Graham up from school. Van Houten hasn't replied to Hazel Grace yet. I told her its because her email requires more attention and thought, because she probably wrote something amazingly intelligent and deep. I really believe that. Or even if its not that, maybe there are so many questions to be answered that its taking him quite a while to answer them? I just hope she gets her answers soon. _

_So, I'm looking around this room that I'm in now, in Memorial, and I just realized something; this is the room I woke up in after I had my leg amputated. And now its suddenly weird. The same "7 Signs of Cancer" posters still hung up on the wall, and that familiar hospital smells still lingering in the air like it thinks its oxygen or something. I cant help but think about when I was last in this room; waking up and getting used to the sensation that is having one leg. I didn't know whether to cry over the loss of my leg or smile at the fact that I was NEC. I think I did a little bit of both. I'm used to it now, but the first few months were tough. I felt like I wasn't normal (what ever "normal" is). But I happily decided a while ago that I am now part cyborg and __that __is pretty cool. _

_I cant stop thinking about this whole Van Houten thing! Even when I'm kind of in the middle of reminiscing about my long lost forgotten leg. I just really want Hazel Grace to get those answers she's been thinking about since, probably, the first time she ever read AIA. I mean, I only finished reading it for the first time a few days ago and not knowing is sort of driving __me __insane so I cant imagine how Hazel Grace feels. _

_Well, this journal entry must come to an end, for now, as I think my, newly blind, best friend is waking up._

_A.W_


	9. Journal Entry 9

_**Journal Entry #9**_

_Hazel Grace just called. Van Houten invited her to Amsterdam (he cant tell her anything in an email because of something to do with suggesting a sequel or something). She cant go though, her folks cant afford it. So I told her she could use her Wish from the Genies. But she's already used it... Disney. DISNEY WORLD. Its a good job I like this girl. And __because__ I like this girl, maybe there's something I can do to help her out here. I want to make her happy. I'm not saying she's at death's door or anything, but I cant take the risk of her dying and not knowing the answers she desires so badly. _

_I still have __my__ Wish... I don't know what the rules are about letting someone else in on your Wish but, maybe... I've gotta go._

_A.W_


	10. Journal Entry 10

_**Journal Entry #10**_

_I spoke to the Genies and my mom literally just got off the phone with some specialists at Memorial. WE CAN GO TO AMSTERDAM! The Genies suggested leaving on May 3__rd__. I'm so stoked! I cant wait to tell her. I just need to figure out how to do it. I'm not gonna just text or call her and be like "Hey. Pack a bag, we're going to Amsterdam". That'd be lame. I keep writing down what I'm gonna say and scratching stuff out so I thought I'd take a break and write down some thoughts, I feel like I'm scrambling my brain! I've got this idea to tell her the news in some sort of Dutch related way; maybe get some orange tulips and wear my dad's Rik Smits jersey or something. I know it sounds cheesy but I know she'll love it. Or at least, I __hope__ she loves it. I don't think I've ever put so much thought into a conversation before. I just want it to be perfect. I know it'll be perfect when I tell her anyway, to see her beautiful smile and the utter delight in her eyes, but it needs to be unique and spectacular. Its all worth it to see her happy. _

_So, I better go and finish figuring out what I'm going to say to her and __how__ I'm going to say it. Wish me luck!_

_A.W _


	11. Journal Entry 11

_**Journal Entry #11**_

_So, I have good news... and bad news._

_The good news?_

_I told her! I think it went pretty well. She was so happy! I knew it'd all be worth it to see the smile on her face. I went with the Dutch-themed idea (orange tulips, Rik Smits jersey, Funky Bones, the works!). I had this weird moment with her dad before we left. He wanted me to understand Hazel Grace's condition and to tell me that she cant do certain things that others can. I already knew that, but I admire him for being so forward with me. I plan to look after his daughter in any way that I can. I think she could hear us talking because she came back into the living room pretty quick. I was kind of glad. I was beginning to feel a little awkward._

_But aside from that, she sent me this weird text. She said something like she couldn't kiss me because if she tried to look at me in __that __way__, all she can imagine is what she'll put me through. Its sad (not the not kissing part. Although, I am pretty cut up about that). I cant say I've ever had my heart broken before because, like I said, I lost Caroline way before she died and I had come to terms with that. I think if Hazel Grace were to break my heart, it'd be a privilege. __I__ get to choose who hurts me in this world and dammit I'd pick her every time. I didn't really know how to reply to her so I just said Okay and then decided to make a joke. I hope it made her laugh. But she just replied Okay again so I told her that I was joking and that I understand. And I __really__ do understand. Right before I had my leg amputated, I'd look at my mom and dad and Isaac and I couldn't help but hate myself for putting them through that. I know I didn't ask for cancer but that didn't stop me feeling shitty about it. But, I'd want Hazel Grace even if she was at death's door with only minutes to live, and I'd cherish what ever time I had left with her. So, I __do__ understand. And I understand now more than ever._

_So I guess that leaves the bad news... Right after I came home from our picnic at Funky Bones, I started to feel this weird, yet familiar, pain in my hip. For the first day or two I thought it was cramp or something but it just seemed to get worse so I eventually told my dad (I didn't wanna make my mom worry, in case it was nothing). My dad eventually told my mom anyway and we went to the hospital this afternoon. Doctor Cameron decided that I better be safe rather than sorry and go in for a PET scan and man, am I sorry. Its everywhere. And I mean __everywhere__. My left hip, my liver, the lining of my chest. My moms in bits. My dads in shock. And all I can think about is how I'm gonna tell Hazel Grace. I cant tell her now, not with Amsterdam and everything. But I''m gonna start palliative chemo, and I'm determined to fight this. Its bad enough that I've already done this to my parents and Isaac once before, but I cant do that to Hazel Grace, and that's why I understand her when she said what she did. My moms already trying to talk me out of going to Amsterdam. Its not going to happen. I know I'm probably gonna have to give up chemo to go but I don't care. The doctors will figure something else out, they always have other ideas. I cant not go to Amsterdam. My parents have gone home. I told them I wanted to stay behind a little while longer to think about things. Who knows if this chemo will even work anyway? Which gives me more hope to be able to go to Amsterdam and figure something out with Doctor Cameron when I get back._

_I'm going to fight this. And no one is stopping me from going to Amsterdam with Hazel Grace. __No __one__._

_A.W_


	12. Journal Entry 12

**A/N: With this chapter, please bear in mind what i said at the beginning of journal entry 1; there will be some things you recognise (certain quotes etc.), but that isn't me trying to rip off John Green or anything (i do not own anything unfortunately) but like i said, i imagine that when Gus wrote Hazel's eulogy for Van Houten, he looked through his journal to find the perfect way to say how he feels. Also, whilst i'm making comments, to the guest fan constantly asking for another Shansel fic - im really glad you loved the fics but in order to write another one i would need more than one person to want it, plus i have this story to focus on at the moment and a life away from the computer, i hope you understand :) Hope you guys enjoy the entry and i hope you're enjoying the series so far!**

_**Journal Entry #12**_

_I've just got back from Children's. I got a call from Mrs Lancaster when I was on my way home from Memorial. Hazel Grace's lungs filled up with fluid over night and she's in the ICU. I wanted to see her so desperately but it was Family Only. I didn't know what to do with myself. I sat in the hospital waiting room for what felt like forever as Mr Lancaster kept coming out to check on me. He told me to go home and get some rest a few times, but I didn't wanna go anywhere. I stuck around until her parents had finally gone home, and that's when I had this rather grand idea to follow a nurse into the room without her spotting me. She was unconscious, so I sat beside her and just stared at her for a little while. She had this dark cancer water dripping from her chest. Eyes closed. Intubated. But her hand was still her hand, and I took it within my own, admiring her nail polish. And I just willed myself to imagine a world without us and what a worthless world that would be. And for a split second; I hoped she would die, so that I would never have to tell her that I'm dying too. But then, she would never get a chance to see that I don't care whether she hurts me or not, that I'm absolutely crazy about her, and we would never get the chance to fall in love and, my god, I hope that happens soon. I eventually got caught, but those ten minutes that I got with her mean everything. She'll pull through this, I know she will. She'll fight for everyone around her, because she's incredible like that._

_I better get some sleep. I plan on calling her parents tomorrow morning before I start chemo._

_A.W_


	13. Journal Entry 13

_**Journal Entry #13**_

_Today, I finally got to see Hazel Grace. I didn't tell her about the cancer, I was just so happy to see her. She looked so ill, but still, so beautiful. I emailed Van Houten again a couple of days ago now and he replied this morning so I took the opportunity to see her and give her the email. I wanted to see her whilst she was in the hospital but she didn't want me to see her like that. Even though I already have (which I also didn't tell her). So, Van Houten's email; I spontaneously emailed him to ask for his advice on my whole 'Hazel Grace situation'. You know? With her not wanting to hurt me and stuff. He basically took her side, which I respect quite a lot actually. There was a lot of truth in what he said and I know I should listen but, I want to be with her so bad. I didn't tell Van Houten about the cancer either, to be honest, the only people that know are my parents, Julie and Martha and the doctors at Memorial. I'd like it to stay that way for a while. _

_We talked about the Amsterdam trip too. The Genies did say we could rearrange for when Hazel Grace is feeling better but that all depends on what her doctors think. They're going to have a meeting about it. I just really hope they give her the thumbs up._

_A.W_


	14. Journal Entry 14

_**Journal Entry #14**_

_I just got off the phone with Hazel Grace. Her doctors said no. Those bastards. I mean, I know they said no for Hazel Grace's sake but still. Bastards. She didn't show it much, but I could tell she was sad, so I decided, (for reasons completely unknown to me), to tell her that I'm a virgin. I'm glad I did, the joy returned in her voice as she told me she's a virgin too. She sounded sort of shocked to hear that I'm a virgin. But hey! Imagine if a guy with one leg and a girl with shitty lungs were to lose their virginity to one another; it'd be like one messed up version of Romeo and Juliet. After that, we just talked about Van Houten's email and how we agreed that time is definitely a slut. _

_I cant help but shake the thought that maybe her doctors are being a little over-protective. They have oxygen on planes! And its not like she's going to a country that has no medical treatment if she were to have some sort of episode. I'm gonna work on this. Surely there's something that can be done. We both want this so bad. Hazel Grace much more than me, which makes the whole thing even more important than it already is._

_A.W_


	15. Journal Entry 15

_**Journal Entry #15**_

_I didn't go to school today, I had chemo. It was awful. God, I hate it. I spent my whole time there just thinking of ways around this whole Amsterdam thing. It made the chemo much more bearable. But when I got home, I got a call from Hazel Grace. She was crying. It was the most awful thing I have ever heard. If Hazel Grace should ever cry, I want it to be tears of joy, not those heartbreaking sobs of longing and tiredness. She said that she just wants to be able to go to Amsterdam and to get her answers from Van Houten. Then she told me how the sky was making her sad and some depressing old swing set in her back yard. I told her I must see the swing set immediately, but, in reality, I really just wanted to see her, so I could be there for her._

_So after I took a shower to get the smell of hospital off of me (I know she'd recognize the smell), I went over and there she was, sat in the grass on her back yard and I have to agree with her; it was one pretty depressing swing set. She thanked me for coming over as if its something I wouldn't normally do and that's when I decided to be honest with her. I told her that keeping her distance from me was in no way going to lessen my affection for her, and all her efforts to keep me from her will fail. Which, they will. I believe it more than anything. Then she asked why I would even like her and haven't I put myself through enough of this. I know she was talking about Caroline. So I started to go on about this goddamn depressing swing set. I wasn't going to sit there and talk about Caroline. I chose to be with Caroline, regardless of her health. I knew that there was a good chance she would eventually stop suffering from personhood, but I __chose__ to be with her. Like I've always said; you don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. Caroline was my first real girlfriend and, to be honest, she wasn't my girlfriend for long. Well, she was (I didn't break up with her or anything), but when her cancer started to get worse, she became less and less like herself until eventually, there was no trace of Caroline left in her. But I stayed with her until the end, not because I felt like I __had__ to. Because I __wanted__ to. I didn't want to have to explain all that to Hazel Grace. I don't feel anger towards her for feeling the way she does, I understand her. And in time, like I said to her, all her efforts to keep me from her __will__ fail._

_So we sold the depressing old swing set, and she came out with the most hilarious headline; "Lonely, vaguely pedophilic swing set seeks the butts of children". And whilst I was laughing, I thought back to her earlier question and told her that's why I liked her, because she is so busy being herself that she has absolutely no idea how utterly unprecedented she is. In the end, we decided on a headline for the swing set ad and after discovering that there was nothing on TV worth watching, she handed me her copy of An Imperial Affliction and I read to her. I'm surprised I could even read out a single sentence as she sat beside me listening. I just wanted to stare at every inch of her face and to take in all the beauty that I could. After spending about an hour reading to her, we checked the swing set ad and decided on this guy who'd sent a picture of his kids playing video games. He said he just wanted them to go outside. So then I had to go to Support Group with Isaac (I decided I was going to tell him about the cancer) and I managed to give her a sneaky kiss on the cheek before I left. Her skin is so soft._

_I picked Isaac up and took him to Support Group (which was as awful as the first time) and parked outside his house for a while when I took him home after to tell him about the cancer. He was really quiet for a while before he asked me if I was okay. I told him I was on a rollercoaster that only goes up. I also told him not to tell Hazel Grace, I need to figure that out on my own. So, when I finally got home myself, my dad told me that he'd been speaking to the Genies, who had been in contact with Doctor Maria (Hazel Grace's doctor), Van Houten's assistant and Mrs Lancaster and... WE CAN GO TO AMSTERDAM! I'm so goddamn happy! I wanted to call Hazel Grace right there and then but I figured she's probably asleep and her parents will tell her in the morning. We're going on the 3__rd__ of May! So now I'm sat on my bedroom floor with the stupidest, biggest grin on my face that just wont go away._

_I cant wait!_

_A.W_


	16. Journal Entry 16

_**Journal Entry #16**_

_Hazel Grace got an email from Van Houten's assistant and she now knows about our trip to Amsterdam. She text me "Still free May three?". I cant stop looking at it and grinning like an idiot. But now I have problems of my own. Because of the Amsterdam trip, as I suspected, Doctor Cameron will have to stop my chemo. My dads pretty supportive of the whole trip but my mom just wont let it go. It hurts me to see her hurting and worrying so much, but I cant give up this chance to go to Amsterdam with Hazel Grace. I keep telling her that but it doesn't help. My dad says I can go, which caused mom to yell at him, but he understands. They're yelling at each other right now. He just told her that he and I know perfectly well that the treatment isn't working and that, maybe, by the time I get back from my trip, Doctor Cameron will have come up with some other treatment to try. She wont listen though. She's gotten so hysterical that its hard to make out what she's saying. I hate this. I hate doing this to her. I hate doing this to __them__. My folks never argue, and yet here they are yelling at each other just because their cancer-ridden teenage son wants to give up his chemo to go to Amsterdam with a girl. But I have to go. No one's going to stop me. As much as it hurts to see my mom so upset, I have to do this. How many more chances am I gonna get to go to Amsterdam with the girl I'm crazy about?_

_I better stop writing now. They're calling me._

_A.W_


	17. Journal Entry 17

_**Journal Entry #17**_

_I'm on the plane right now to Amsterdam. I don't how long we've got left until we get there, I'm not sure how long I've been asleep either. But, Hazel Grace and her mom are sleeping right now. So much has happened today! As you can probably guess, my mom let me go, but not without a huge argument before I left. I totally lost my cool with her. I just felt so angry! If oblivion's gonna get me then I'm gonna go out and live my life before it does! Everything after that involved getting to the airport and boarding the plane. I went to get some food when we were at the airport. Partly because I was hungry, and partly because I didn't want to get pissed off at the people staring at Hazel Grace like she's some sort of martian from a different planet. I'll never forget wearing shorts for the first time at the mall after I lost my leg and people just stared at me like I was some sort of robot sent to kill the entire human race. I know some stare because they don't understand or because they don't know what to say but I cant help but be pissed. Just because I'm missing a leg doesn't mean I'm not a person. I'm part cyborg __actually__. _

_Hazel Grace and I watched 300 a couple of hours ago, after that I started to re-read AIA whilst she read a poem. I asked her to read something to me and she started to recite this beautiful poem. Every word made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. And as I listened to her, never taking my eyes of her, not even for a second, I suddenly became very aware of the fast, yet steady, beating of my heart. Feeling this strange butterfly sensation in the pit of my stomach that I had told myself for years was a 'girl thing'. And then I told her I love her. I don't know where it came from and I hadn't planned it but goddamn, its true. I love her. I do! And I don't care what anyone says or thinks. All that matters is that I love this girl. This intelligent, funny, BEAUTIFUL girl. And I find myself wishing I had met her years before this moment. So maybe then, she would have fallen in love with me before either one of us got sick and she would realize that she's not hurting me by simply wanting to be with me. She didn't say she loved me back, but that's okay. I wasn't expecting her to. But she knows that I love her, and that's more than enough for me. Maybe she'll see now that whether she's the healthiest person on earth or moments away from oblivion, I will love her no matter what, and nothing will ever change that. Hazel Grace Lancaster is possibly the love of my life. _

_And I wouldn't have it any other way._

_A.W_


	18. Journal Entry 18

_**Journal Entry #18**_

_To write every single amazing moment that has happened since getting to Amsterdam would mean I would have to buy two more journals just to be able to fit it all in! So I will cut it down (without skipping the best parts!). Amsterdam is BEAUTIFUL! Our hotel is BEAUTIFUL! Hazel Grace is BEAUTIFUL! We went for dinner at a place called Oranjee and it was just, wow! The food was amazing, the service was wonderful and just being there with Hazel Grace made the whole experience much more special. I drank champagne for the very first time tonight and I am definitely certain it wont be the last time! One of the waiters called Hazel Grace and I "Mr and Mrs Waters". I couldn't help but grin like an idiot. I can still hear it in my head. If I knew for certain that I'd survive cancer again, I'd marry her in a heartbeat. We just talked and talked and talked. I was so honest with her about things I don't even really talk to Isaac about. I got worried at one point when I told her about wanting to leave my mark on the world, she seemed really annoyed. She __was__ annoyed. But I'm kind of glad she was, because it made me rethink entirely what I had been saying and how I've been feeling about oblivion for so long. I'd still like to do something spectacular though, you know? Before oblivion comes. I want to be remembered. _

_I finally opened up about Caroline. Not that it was some difficult challenge for me, but it was something that I had chosen not to speak about with Hazel Grace in the past, simply because I didn't want to risk getting any sympathy. I don't want sympathy. After Caroline died I was "the poor guy who's girlfriend died" for so long and it was awful. It was bad enough that Caroline had died but that just topped it off for me. It felt good to open up to Hazel Grace about stuff like that. I even told her that my chosen outfit for tonight was, in fact, my death suit. I chose to wear it because oblivion is uncertain at the moment, and I had decided that I'm not just going to wear that suit when I'm lying in a coffin, that it would have more meaning to wear after my death if I wore it on my first date with Hazel Grace. _

_Anyway, after I opened up about Caroline, Hazel Grace did some opening up of her own (no, that is __not__ an innuendo!). After I told her about the things Caroline would say to me in her final days, she told me with a horrified look on her face that she doesn't ever want to do that to me. I told her I wouldn't mind. And I really wouldn't. The things Caroline would say, yeah, they hurt, but I wasn't going to dump this dying girl for crying out loud! I knew it wasn't her anyway. Well, it could have been her but I'll never know so I don't think about it. It doesn't bother me one bit. It was different with Caroline. Being honest with myself and without sounding like a complete ass, I stayed with Caroline __because__ she was dying. If Hazel Grace were to go down that same path? I would stay with her __because__ I would never want to be without her. I realize how awful that may sound, but I'm not gonna lie. I didn't love Caroline. I liked her and I loved the time I got to spend with her before oblivion claimed her. But that's it. _

_So now I'm back in my hotel room after bidding Hazel Grace goodnight. We're meeting Van Houten tomorrow. I cant imagine the excitement she must be feeling. But then again, I'm pretty excited myself._

_A.W_


	19. Journal Entry 19

_**Journal Entry #19**_

_Peter Van Houten is possibly the most shittiest person I have ever met! Hazel Grace didn't get her answers at all. What she did get was a selfish, nasty old man. I felt so bad for her. I've never seen her get so angry like that. How such a man could write a book as beautiful as AIA, I will never know. I'm not gonna go too much into the Van Houten thing because I'm in an amazing mood and I don't wanna ruin it by getting mad over that assclown. Lidewij on the other hand is a very pleasant human being. She took Hazel Grace and I to the Anne Frank House. I was quite excited until we got there and we were told that there were a lot of stairs and no elevator. But Hazel Grace stubbornly soldiered on. It was so inspiring. I cant even count how many flights of stairs there were in that place but she conquered them all. I was torn between worrying about her and watching her in utter admiration. We made it all the way to the top and, content that she was okay, I started to ramble on about stuff. I honestly cant tell you what I was rambling on about because all of that was suddenly forgotten when we started to kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her closer to me as she put her hand on the back of my neck. And all I could think about was us, and how amazing she is, and how lucky I am. I didn't care that we were making out in the Anne Frank House and I didn't care about the people that were watching. I just cared about her, and I just enjoyed feeling her lips against mine, and the way her fingertips felt against the back of my neck. And I forgot about her oxygen tank and her cancer, and I forgot about my cancer. Then our lips parted ways slowly and I just stared at her whilst her eyes were still closed and I wondered what she was thinking about. I admired every inch of her beautiful face until she opened those gorgeous eyes of hers and looked back up at me. Then I guess she was a little embarrassed about making out in front of a bunch of strangers and started staring at her feet, so I took the opportunity to kiss her forehead, just so I could feel her skin against my lips. The people around us began to applaud and I could have sworn even I blushed a little._

_Lidewij drove us back to the hotel after that and I suggested that Hazel Grace should get some rest but she said that she was okay and then suggested that we go to my hotel room. So we got in the mirrored elevator and she kissed me some more. But I couldn't help but notice every perfect reflection of her in the mirrors surrounding us. When I opened the elevator door I felt this sharp horrible pain in my hip, and for a split second I thought about the cancer, until Hazel Grace spoke and I looked up at her. God, she is so beautiful. Without sounding full of myself, I knew where this was heading, and I started to worry about her seeing me without my prosthetic. I didn't want to freak her out, so I pre-warned her about it – just in case she wanted to change her mind. But I should have known better of Hazel Grace. She told me to get over myself and started to kiss me again, harder than before as she pressed me against the wall. And I felt suddenly hot, even though it was quite a cold day in Amsterdam. I managed to get to my room key and we wasted no time getting to the bed. She sat beside me as we just stared at each other silently for a moment. And then she told me she loved me and I was suddenly aware of my heartbeat, just like I was on the plane when I told her I loved her. I attempted to take off her shirt but it got caught on the tube from her oxygen tank which was pretty funny to be honest. We were a hot mess. So then I took off my jeans and my prosthetic. I was still a little nervous about it, but then she reached her hand under the covers and let it trail down my thigh until she reached the end of my stump. It made me flinch a little in a weird sort of exciting way. I turned on my side and decided that I __must__ kiss her again. Her lips are amazing. And then, after some condom related issues – lets just say; I am no longer in the circle of virgins (as Hazel Grace so sweetly reminded me with a note I found just moments ago). I was so tired afterward. I don't know if she stayed a while or left little moments after I fell asleep but I woke up feeling incredible this morning. But that was quickly ruined by my thoughts. I have to tell her about the cancer. Now more than ever. I don't know how I'm gonna tell her. "Hey, so you know how we're in love now and stuff? Well, I'm gonna die. Sorry". How am I supposed to tell her? But, maybe I wont die. I've kicked cancers ass before, maybe I can do it again? But I need to tell her. And I'm going to do it today. I'm dreading it._

_A.W_


	20. Journal Entry 20

_**Journal Entry #20**_

_So, I told her. I don't think I needed to to be honest. We went for a walk and then we went back to her hotel room. I could see it in her eyes before I even spoke. The dread. I told her everything. About the cancer. About how sorry and selfish I am. But she was amazing. She cried. I cried too. It was terrible. But I told her I'd fight this for her, and I intend to. I don't want to be her grenade. I cant do that to her! That doesn't mean I'm not going to be with her though, or leave her if I "give up the good fight". It hurts so much thinking about what it'll put her through if and when I die, but it'll hurt so much more if I end this before its even begun and deny the both of us the right to be in love. I'll stay with her until the end. God, I love her so so much. We're on the plane back home now. Amsterdam feels like a distant dream. We had some champagne earlier and talked some more. I have to admit, its nice to be able to be honest with her if I get a sudden ache somewhere instead of having to pretend that I'm fine. I don't know how long I slept for after that but I'm awake now and Hazel Grace is asleep with her head resting on my shoulder and her arm entwined with mine. She is so beautiful. Mrs Lancaster's asleep too. What a jackass she must think I am. My folks told Hazel Grace's parents about the cancer before Amsterdam. They must think I'm such a selfish assclown for keeping it from their daughter. All I can do is hope they don't. _

_So, I'm gonna try and get some more sleep now before we land. My dad called before we got on the plane and he says Doctor Cameron's coming over to talk through what my options are next. I hope whatever it is, it does the trick._

_A.W_


	21. Journal Entry 21

_**Journal Entry #21**_

_So I'm stuck with a stupid PICC line that I'm, apparently, lucky to have. I'm trying not to be mad, if this is gonna attempt to save my life then I should be grateful, but its hard when I have to have a stupid tube sticking out of my arm. I've got a protein receptor and two brand new chemo drugs trying to turn off the oncogene in the cancer. It makes me feel sick all the time and everything tastes like pennies. It sucks. But, I knew it was gonna suck. _

_I thought I'd do a little bit of writing before I start feeling tired again. I'm probably not going to be able to write much anymore. Its taking all the energy I have just writing now. This sucks so bad. But Hazel Grace is coming over tomorrow, I cant wait to see her. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open now so I'm gonna stop._

_A.W_


	22. Journal Entry 22

_**Journal Entry #22**_

_Today was a pretty great day (apart from napping a lot and everything tasting like pennies). I was asleep when Hazel Grace came over. I knew she was there and I could hear her talking but I just didn't have the energy to turn around and open my eyes, so I slept for a while. Then I heard Isaac's voice and forced myself to wake up and stop being a terrible host. Isaac told me he still hadn't heard from Monica and I found myself getting really angry. What a bitch that girl is. I wasn't about to lay there and let this girl do that to my best friend. So I came up with a wonderful idea. I asked Hazel Grace to drive us to the grocery store and purchase a dozen eggs and then asked her to drive us to Monica's house so Isaac could, deservedly, egg her car. I helped him out with his aim and the smile on his face was a wonderful sight to see. I haven't seen him smile like that in so long. Monica's mom came out at one point and I just really didn't care. I told her that she should probably go back inside and that's exactly what she did. I was so happy. I held my beautiful girlfriend in my arms as I watched my best friend egg his bitch-of-an-ex-girlfriend's car. It was such a perfect day._

_So now I'm laid in bed, feeling pretty tired at only 7:25PM! Hazel Grace went home a little while ago. I wish she could have stayed with me. But my parents still have their stupid "no girls alone with you in your bedroom" rule. No cancer perks here._

_A.W_


	23. Journal Entry 23

_**Journal Entry #23**_

_I haven't written down any thoughts and/or feelings in a while. Its becoming more difficult to do the simple things in life._

_My folks invited Hazel Grace and her parents over for dinner last week. It was pretty nice. For a moment, I felt like a normal human being; sat up at the table, eating dinner with my girlfriend and our parents. But even though I may have __felt__ normal, I'm far from it. As much as I hate to admit it – the chemo isn't working. I know it isn't. I just keep feeling weaker and weaker and its not a side effect from the drugs. I'm dying. _

_I really thought I could fight it this time. But who am I kidding? Who survives cancer __twice__? I don't want to die. What have I done with my life!? I want to get a great job and be recognized and remembered, to leave my mark on the world. I want to marry Hazel Grace some day and I want us to have kids and see the world and grow old together. But apparently; the world is not a wish-granting factory. I hate this! I cant stand it! I'm back to that angry version of myself that I despise so much. Oh great, now I'm starting to feel this weird pain in my chest. I better call for my dad just in case._

_I fucking hate this._

_A.W_


	24. Journal Entry 24

_**Journal Entry #24**_

_So I just got home from the hospital. They kept me in overnight because of the chest pain I was having. It was unbearable. I thought that was it but yet, here I am; still angry and feeling sorry for myself, only now I have a stupid wheelchair too. I texted Hazel Grace and told her that I was going to sleep for a while. It wasn't a lie; I plan to get some sleep after this little journal entry, but I don't want her to see me like this. I know she's going to see me at my worst sooner or later but, right now? I want to spare her of that. I want her to remember me as I was, not what I've become._

_A.W_


	25. Journal Entry 25

_**Journal Entry #25**_

_Well, the only amazing thing in life right now is Hazel Grace to be perfectly honest. She's been over here everyday. She took me to Funky Bones and we had some champagne last week, which was nice but, I just felt so depressed watching those kids run and play and live and I couldn't help but get this jealous feeling right in the pit of my stomach (which I thought may have been the G-Tube at first). I just wish I could be a kid again you know? And not have to worry about things like meds and G-Tubes and oblivion. I thought about what it'd be like if I knew Hazel Grace when we were kids. I imagine her, Isaac and I getting up to all sorts of trouble and not caring one bit because we would be together and we'd be healthy and it'd be great._

_Hazel Grace just left a few moments ago. We had dinner together with my parents (well, __they__ did. I attractively puked up everything I had eaten), then I got my dad to let us hang out in my room. We didn't really hang out though – we got comfy under the covers, Hazel Grace resting her head on my shoulder as I just admired her features (which has become my favourite pass time) before we made out for a while and fell asleep. I wish I could be a normal boyfriend for her though, like – the both of us getting lost in complete passion before having the most amazing sex and then just laying there, staring at each other and wondering how we'd made it through life before meeting one another. I wish I could be that for her. Just like I wish I could write this AIA sequel for her. I wrote a few notes down but they sucked. I keep trying to think things over better but every time I do its like my brain decides "TIME TO BE IN PAIN ASSHOLE". _

_So we woke up and played Counterinsurgence 2 for a while before she decided to leave. God, I wish she could take me with her. I understand what my folks are going through, and I hate that I'm hurting them so much, but they just watch me day and night like I'm about to do something incredible at any moment. __Incredible__. More like drop dead. _

_I think I'm just gonna sleep. Its what I do best these days._

_A.W_


	26. Journal Entry 26

_**Journal Entry #26**_

_I'm such an ass. I'm such a stupid, selfish, pathetic excuse for a human being. I upset Hazel Grace. And as if that wasn't bad enough? She found me laying in a pool of my own piss. I was mortified. And then I had to go and be the selfish asshole that I am and kept talking about how I always thought I'd do something spectacular and would have a story worth telling without even thinking of her. But she hit me hard with the truth and I'm kind of glad because I needed it. We're okay. I get that shes mad, I'm mad too. This whole situation sucks._

_There's also this other minor thing that I just cant stop thinking about. Hazel Grace called me 'Gus'. Not once, in the whole time we've been in each others lives, has she called me Gus. It might just be nothing, and it probably was nothing, but I cant help but feel like maybe she feels that 'Augustus' is gone and now she has 'Gus' who's pathetic and disgusting and probably makes her skin crawl. I know I'm probably wrong, but I just cant shake the thought. Her voice saying 'Gus' keeps ringing in my ears. Oh great. Now I cant even not smoke! I cant find my cigarettes anywhere. I bet the doctors at Memorial took them. This sucks so bad. I'm gonna go and get another pack, I'm not asking my folks. I wanna be able to do things for myself! I'm pretty sure I'm capable of getting in the car and taking a 4 minute drive to get a pack of cigarettes. I think I'm gonna take a nap and wait until later to go though. There's no way my mom and dad are gonna let me go if I ask._

_A.W_


	27. Journal Entry 27

_**Journal Entry #27**_

_Getting my own cigarettes was a stupid idea. My G-Tube got infected and I had to call Hazel Grace to come and help me. I didn't want my parents and I didn't want an ambulance, I just wanted her. But she had to call 911 (even though I begged her not to). Goddammit! WHAT IS THIS LIFE!? I'm so fucking sick and tired, as much as I want to be here and to be with Hazel Grace and to, at least, try to make something out of the little time I have left, I just wanna die already. I'm in pain all the time, I cant even eat anymore and every time I do? Its comes back up the exact way it went down and all I want to do is sleep. What kind of a life is this? It hurts- it physically hurts- to hold my girlfriend in my arms. Even without the effort! It hurts when my mom **hugs** **me**!_

_So, I was in the hospital for a few days and now I'm back home where I now have to live in the living room, which also sucks. Today, Martha, Chris, Julie, David and the kids came over. I took the opportunity to pretend to be asleep, before eventually actually falling asleep. They're my sisters and I love them and I know they're hurting too but god, are they annoying! And don't even get me started on the kids. But then Hazel Grace came over and I immediately felt better about the day in general. I asked her to take me outside and the whole family followed, it was kind of nice. I decided that I want Hazel Grace and Isaac to speak at my funeral. There are no other two people I'd rather have eulogizing me than my best friend and my beautiful Hazel Grace. But, I kind of want to hear what they have to say. I've already run the idea by Isaac and he thinks its great. In the event that I wont be able to attend my own funeral as a ghost, I'm going to have a pre-funeral. Tomorrow 8:00pm in the Literal Heart of Jesus._

_Also, I've been trying to write a eulogy for Hazel Grace in return for quite a while now. To write about that in here would mean repeating myself within said eulogy because I've started looking through everything I've ever written in here, which is pretty helpful because then I can write down exactly how I felt at exact moments and places. Then, I think I'm gonna send it to Van Houten. I know; that sounds crazy! But, he may be a shitty person, but I cannot deny that the mans a good writer! And Hazel Grace deserves the best eulogy I can possibly give her. Even if I'm not there in person when she gets it._

_A.W_


	28. Journal Entry 28

_**Journal Entry #28**_

_My pre-funeral was everything I hoped it would be and more. Hazel Grace and Isaac spoke beautifully. There was another small intention underneath my whole pre-funeral idea- I've made my mark. I __know__ I've made my mark. So there's not gonna be a huge article about me when oblivion claims me, and not everyone in the entire universe is gonna care, but they care. __They__care__ and that's more than enough. Hazel Grace said, and I quote, that I am "the great star-crossed love of her life". That's when a lump formed in my throat that I wasn't going to fight against. I've cried so much out of fear of oblivion, but not in that moment. I cant imagine not being with Hazel Grace for the rest of my life, and I don't want to. Even though I knew I was dying when I told her I loved her, that didn't stop me imagining a whole future for us. You know? I would recover, Hazel Grace would get some sort of lung transplant (if that's even possible. I'm no doctor!) and her tumors would be nothing but a distant memory and then we'd spend the rest of our lives together as a healthy, happy and in love couple. And Isaac would get his robot eyes of course. I hope with everything I have left that post-oblivion is just nothingness. I hate the thought of becoming a ghost or something and longing after Hazel Grace, not being able to touch her, speak to her. I suppose a "heaven" would be pretty great. Everyone's idea of heaven is having everything you've ever dreamed of forever, so Hazel Grace would most definitely be there for me._

_I finished Hazel Grace's eulogy, __by_ _hand__, and sent it to Van Houten. I asked him to send it to her. This being because a) I want her to read __my__handwriting, not some fancy computer font and b) because, my pre-funeral was 5 days ago, and I have spent 4 of those 5 days in Memorial. Oblivion is coming. I can feel it. So, this means I'm not going to be able to give Hazel Grace her eulogy myself. I also emailed him and requested that he attend my funeral and tell Hazel Grace what happens after AIA. I tried to write a sequel for her, I really did, but writing a sequel for a first book that you didn't even write is pretty much impossible! I hope Van Houten searches deep down inside of himself to find some form of respect and uses it to grant me my dying wish and gives Hazel Grace her answers. I read through the eulogy and, to be honest, I'm not such a shitty writer after all, but, my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations. I need that assclown's help as much as it pains me to admit. Hazel Grace and Isaac haven't been allowed to visit since I've been here. __Family_ _Only__. Which sucks. I love being with my family, but I'd love it even more if they could be here too. I_ _know that my pre-funeral was the last time I'll ever see them. See Isaac. See Hazel Grace. My beautiful Hazel Grace. God, I love her. I'm so lucky to love her. All I have to do is picture her in my mind and all of this doesn't seem so bad. I never understood how people could love like that until I fell in love with her. Its the best thing I have ever done._

_I'm not going to lie, dying is scary, but, I'm not all that scared anymore. I'm happy to go knowing that I am loved deeply and not widely. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to escape the pain that eventually came with personhood. My only regret is not having the chance to say goodbye. But, who knows? Maybe when Van Houten sends Hazel Grace her eulogy, I'll be gone already and, for her, that'll be my goodbye. And she'll know that I love her deeply too. More deeply than you could possibly imagine! I already miss her. And Isaac. Depending on what oblivion brings, I'll be missing them for all eternity. _

_And so, this concludes my final journal entry. Thank you for being there for me all this time my notebook friend. Its been a rollercoaster ride._

_Augustus "Gus" Waters._

**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone that has read and followed my fic to the very end! I hope i did Augustus justice for you guys, for me, i just feel like this is the way he would write down his thoughts and feelings. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as i've enjoyed writing it :) Thank you so much xox**


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